My apologies Friends, for remaining silent this past week. The terror in Boston left me in a state of near-constant reflection. (May God be with them all.) The only reasonable course of action this week was for me to spend the week hugging the Sons extra tight and letting go of the non-essentials.
Letting go can be difficult.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation or season of life that seemed so out of your sphere of influence that you compensated by trying to hyper-control other parts of your life? Or felt an undercurrent of perfection that can, at times, feel almost debilitating?
Yeah. Me, too.
I’ve weathered my share of storms in life that felt so out of control that it seemed as if my only option was to give in to the overwhelming desire to regulate or exercise restraint on every other aspect of my life that I (thought I) could control. As if controlling the minutia would somehow bring about a sense of calm to all that was out of my control.
If I could just control how clean my house is…
Or control the laundry, or landscaping around the house…
If I could just control my outward appearance…the list could go on all day!
If I could just control _______, then maybe all that stuff that was beyond my control would seem smaller and less significant. As if it were only through my controlling my environment that I would know peace. Surely if I could just be Perfect in every way than everything thing else would be small in comparison!
Right?
Nope. What I’ve learned in waging battle with myself over control is that I am what is small. I can not do it all–nor should I make the attempt. Peace will not come to me if I’m trying to control my world because I’m not the one in control. Whenever I try to be in complete control, something happens to humble me. Something brings me to my knees with the realization that I am small.
And I let it go.
I know that I need to rely on others. I need to ask for help. I need to trust because I’m rarely, if ever, in control of much. The long fought for Peace only comes when I rely on faith, have hope, and love others.
When I give myself permission to surrender–to just let it all go–I feel an overwhelming wave of calm wash over me, and I know that everything will be all right.
When I surrender, I am at peace.
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